What Happens in Couples Counselling?

Many couples put off booking because they do not know what happens in couples counselling. Will we be judged? Will the counsellor take sides? Do we have to tell everything?

This is how it works, step by step.

The first session

The first session is a regular session. It is by video and lasts 55 minutes. You each describe how you see the relationship: what works, what chafes, and what made you get in touch now.

You will probably describe it differently. That is expected, and it is part of what you have come to sort out.

The counsellor asks about how you met, how your arguments usually go and what each of you is hoping for. Towards the end you talk about what you want to work on.

What the counsellor does, and does not do

The counsellor does not take sides and does not rule on who is right. The job is to make sure you both get to speak, to notice the pattern you get stuck in, and to help you try another way of talking.

The counsellor will not tell you whether to stay or go either. That decision is yours.

What you talk about in the sessions

It often starts with something concrete: the argument last Sunday, who does what at home, a message that was read the wrong way. From there it is about what happened between you. Who pulled back, who pushed, and what was each of you feeling underneath?

You also practise in the session. That might be listening to the end without defending yourself, or saying what you need instead of what the other person is doing wrong.

Between sessions

Sometimes you will have something to try at home. It might be a way to pause an argument before it runs away with you, or a set time each week when you talk without screens.

What happens between sessions matters at least as much as the sessions themselves.

How many sessions does it take?

Nobody can say in advance. Some couples come a few times around one specific question. Others, where the pattern has been running for years, continue for longer.

You check in along the way and you decide when you are done.

Practical points for online sessions

• A place where you can talk undisturbed, with no children or colleagues in earshot

• A screen that shows you both, and a stable connection

• A little time afterwards, so you do not go straight into the next thing

Common worries

What if we start arguing in the session? It happens, and it is fine. The pattern becomes visible and can be worked with.

Do I have to tell everything? No. You decide what you share. But the sessions work better the more honest you are.

What if the counsellor agrees with my partner? The counsellor works for the relationship and does not pick a winner. If it feels as though things are leaning one way, you can say so in the session.

There is more about the format on the page about online couples counselling. For prices, see How much does couples counselling cost?

Most of the worry before a first session is about being judged. What you meet is someone who is curious about how you ended up here.