Does Couples Counselling Work? When to Go

This question is usually asked by someone who has been thinking about it for a while. You have talked about getting help, perhaps more than once, and then let it drop. Letting an outsider into something this private feels like a big step.

The short answer is that couples counselling helps many couples, but not all, and that quite a lot can be said about what makes the difference.

What the research says

Couples counselling is well studied. Reviews that pool many studies show that couples who go to counselling end up, on average, more satisfied with their relationship than couples who get no help.

That is an average. It says nothing certain about the two of you, and no serious couples counsellor promises a particular result.

What decides whether it helps

Three things come up again and again.

You both want to try. The wanting is allowed to be hesitant. But if one of you is only there to be able to say you tried, the sessions are hard to use.

You come in time. The longer a pattern has run, the more has piled up. Couples who get help while there is still warmth between them have more to work with than couples who wait until indifference has taken over.

You do something between sessions. An occasional conversation changes little if everything else carries on as before. What you try at home is what makes the difference.

Signs it is time

• You have the same argument over and over, with new topics but the same ending

• You have stopped raising things because it leads nowhere anyway

• You live more like colleagues running a household than like a couple

• Something has damaged trust, and you cannot get past it by yourselves

• A big change has upset the balance: a child, a move, illness or a new job

• One of you has started thinking about leaving

You do not need to recognise all of it. One of these is reason enough to have a first conversation.

Couples counselling is not only for a crisis

Many people see couples counselling as a last resort. The sessions are easiest to use earlier than that, while you are still curious about each other.

You can come because you want to talk to each other better, because you are facing a big decision, or because you want to understand a pattern before it sets.

When it is not the right route

If there is violence or threats in the relationship, couples counselling is not the right help. A different kind of support is needed, and if you are in immediate danger you should call your local emergency number.

If one of you has already decided to leave, the sessions cannot change that. They can help you part in a way you can both live with, especially if you have children.

And if your partner does not want to come, you can start by yourself. Read more in Can you go to couples counselling alone?

What to expect

It often gets harder before it gets easier. Things that have gone unsaid for a long time come up, and it can feel as though the sessions are making it worse. Often that is a sign you are talking about the right things.

You can read how the sessions run in What happens in couples counselling? There is more about the format on the page about online couples counselling.

Whether couples counselling works can rarely be known in advance. It is decided by what you do with the sessions.