Fear of Abandonment in Relationships

Separation anxiety is something we associate with small children crying at the nursery door. Adults have it too, and then it is usually directed at a partner. Underneath it sits a wider fear of being abandoned.

How it shows up in adults

• Strong worry when your partner travels, is late or cannot be reached

• Catastrophic thoughts that something will happen, or that your partner will not come back

• Finding it hard to be home alone or to sleep alone

• A need for frequent contact through the day

• You give up trips and activities of your own to avoid being apart

• Your body reacts before a separation: stomach ache, a racing heart, nausea

• You stay in relationships that are not good for you because being alone frightens you more

This article does not diagnose anything. It describes a pattern many adults recognise to a greater or lesser degree.

Two ways of handling the fear

Fear of abandonment is usually handled in one of two ways.

Some people hold on tight. They adapt, look for reassurance and keep watch. Others keep their distance. They leave first, or never quite let anyone in.

Both protect against the same thing.

Where it comes from

• Early losses or separations, such as a parent who disappeared, fell ill or moved away without anyone explaining

• Care that was unpredictable

• Later experiences, such as being left suddenly or being cheated on

So the fear is not irrational. It learned from something.

How it affects the relationship

Your partner may feel watched, or responsible for how you are. When they then take a little distance, the worry grows and you reach for even more contact.

Your own life can shrink as well. Friends, interests and plans are dropped until the relationship is the only thing left. That makes it even more dangerous to lose.

What you can do

Practise distance in small steps. An evening to yourself, then a weekend. The point is to notice that the worry rises, peaks and falls without you doing anything about it.

Reduce contact gradually. If you usually get in touch ten times a day, try eight.

Look after the worry yourself first. A walk, a call with a friend, something that takes your attention. Your partner can be a support but should not be the only way you calm down.

Put the fear into words. "I get scared when you go away" is easier for your partner to meet than irritation or silence.

Build a life of your own. Friends, interests and plans that are yours make you less vulnerable.

When to get help

When the fear is steering your choices: what you say no to, what you put up with, and how much of your day goes to worry. Counselling can help, by yourself or together with your partner. Read more about online couples counselling.

Related articles are Anxious attachment style and Relationship anxiety or gut feeling?

The fear wants a promise that nobody will ever leave. Nobody can give that promise. What you can build is the knowledge that you would cope, and that makes it easier to be close.