Jealousy in Relationships: How to Deal With It

A little jealousy belongs in most relationships. A pang when your partner laughs with someone else, a worry that passes. Jealousy becomes a problem when it takes over your thoughts and starts to decide what both of you are allowed to do.

This article is about that kind: jealousy that is no longer in proportion to what is really happening.

Signs that jealousy has taken over

• You check your partner's phone, social media or location

• You ask the same questions again and again, and the answers do not calm you

• You read neutral events as evidence

• You want your partner to stop seeing certain people

• You become preoccupied with your partner's past relationships, often called retroactive jealousy

• The thoughts take time and energy from work, sleep and friends

• You argue about the same suspicions without anything new having happened

What keeps it going

Underneath there is almost always fear: of being left, of not being enough, of being deceived again. Earlier betrayals make the alarm more sensitive.

Checking is what locks the pattern in place. When you look at the phone and find nothing, you are calm for a while. Then the doubt returns, and next time you need to check a little more.

The relief teaches you to check. It does not teach you to trust.

How to deal with it

Separate the feeling from the action. You cannot choose not to feel jealous. You can choose not to check, question or accuse.

Step the checking down. Each time you leave it alone and the worry settles anyway, you learn something no answer can give you.

Say the fear instead of the accusation. "I got scared of losing you" opens a conversation. "Who were you texting?" closes it.

Work on what lies underneath. Self worth, old betrayals and the fear of being left can all be worked on, by yourself or in counselling.

If your partner is the jealous one

Reassuring and explaining help in the moment. But the more you account for, the more there is to account for.

You can show care and still say no to handing over your phone or giving up your friends.

When jealousy is control

Jealousy that is used to monitor, isolate or frighten is control. It has nothing to do with love.

If you are afraid of your partner's reactions, or if there are threats or violence, you need a different kind of support than couples counselling. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.

When to get help

When jealousy takes up more room than the relationship does, or when you cannot get out of the same argument. You can get help by yourself, and you can do it together. Read more about online couples counselling.

Related articles are Relationship anxiety or gut feeling? and Anxious attachment style. More common problems are covered in Relationship problems.

Jealousy says it is protecting the relationship. Most often it is the thing wearing it down.