Relationship Problems: When to Get Help

Every couple has problems. The difference lies in whether you move on from them or get stuck in the same place time after time.

The most common relationship problems

• Communication: you talk past each other, or not at all

• Arguments that repeat

• An uneven share of home, children and responsibility

• Money, and different views of it

• Less closeness and sex

• Jealousy and lost trust

• Family and friends, and how much room they should take

• Big changes such as a child, a move, illness or losing a job

• Different pictures of the future

What is normal

Arguing is normal. Periods of distance are normal, especially with small children or during stressful stretches at work. Irritation over small things belongs too.

What matters is whether you can repair afterwards. If you can say sorry, talk about what happened and laugh together again, you have something that holds.

What you can try yourselves

Choose the moment. Not in the doorway, not late at night and not in the middle of the argument.

Take one thing at a time. When three old conflicts are pulled into the new one, none of them gets resolved.

Speak about yourself. "I feel sad when I'm kept waiting" is easier to hear than "you are always late".

Pause when it heats up. Agree that whoever needs a break says so, and that you pick the conversation up again within a set time.

Listen to understand. Repeat what you heard before you answer. It sounds stiff and works anyway.

Do something that is not about the problems. A relationship made only of problem solving loses what made it worth solving problems for.

Signs it is time to get help

• You have tried yourselves and end up in the same place

• Conversations end in a row or in silence every time

• One of you has stopped trying

• Contempt or mockery has crept into how you speak to each other

• You avoid being alone together

• There is a betrayal you cannot get past

• One of you is thinking about leaving

• The children are affected by the mood at home

If there is violence or threats, this is not a relationship problem for the two of you to solve together. A different kind of support is needed, and if you are in immediate danger you should call your local emergency number.

Together or by yourself

Most couples come together. You can read how it works on the page about online couples counselling, and Does couples counselling work? covers what decides whether it makes a difference.

If your partner does not want to come, you can start alone. Read more in Can you go to couples counselling alone?

Many couples wait a long time. What is hard to raise today rarely gets easier with another year.